3/14/2024

I’ve been feeling a bit directionless lately. So, I sit on my floor, open my laptop, close out all my tabs, open a blank word document, and let the words seep out of my head. I have all these fragmented thoughts and experiences and can’t seem to piece anything together. Today, I met with a new mentor in the hopes of feeling more confident in my career trajectory. She told me that I needed to go above and beyond my job description to be seen as worthy of a monetary raise. Maybe sound advice in this capitalistic society? Yet, I can’t help but think we missed an opportunity to connect as emotional beings. If I was a mentor, I would ask questions like, what lights you up? Why are you here? What keeps you walking along in this life? Isn’t it obvious that we are our best mentors? I ask myself, what lights you up? Why are you here? What keeps you walking along in this life? Maybe I did find a bit of direction after all.

3/15/2024

Sometimes friendship is better in the sun. I have been getting a general down-and-out feeling about all my friendships recently. Mainly wishing for a deeper sense of connection and a missing component of lightheartedness. Today I got to sit in the sun and eat some ice cream with a friend and it was bliss. Just a reminder that the sun nurtures all things, including friendship.

4/4/2024

Starting and stopping. Many abandoned projects. New ideas and passions. This is how my brain works, in little spurts. An idea is formed, I get really into planning said idea, dream of how my life will change based on this new idea, start forming the idea, and then eventually lose steam and abandon it. Sometimes these ideas are picked back up. Usually, they lay fragmented in my head uncompleted yet nagging. Whispering you can’t commit, you have no honed skills, and there is nothing to show. I’m going to drop them here, please lay your own down.

Crocheted beanies, wood-blocked tea towels, the artist’s way, monthly dance videos, hand-sewn body pillow, 10+ abandoned collages, a career change to become a financial therapist, building a tiny house, moving back to Colorado, moving back to DC, moving back to Kansas, skater girl style, Udemy writing course, learning to swing dance.

7/22/24

I went on a backpacking trip recently and was reminded of how hard it is to walk through the wilderness with a pack on. My shoulders and hips were bruised, the heat in the afternoons made me grumpy, and I couldn’t wait to take my pack off at every break. Yet, it felt good to be far away from screens, to focus my mind on simple tasks (filtering water and setting up the tent), and to feel how capable my body was of carrying that burdensome pack. I thought, once I was home it would help me appreciate the everyday things I take for granted like running water or my bed. And yet, since coming home, I fear the opposite is true. I miss the simplicity of walking, the stillness in my mind, and the comradery of the trail.

12/25/24

Christmas in the flatirons.

I wake up at 7am and decide it’s too early to leave my comfy bed and sleep another hour. I slowly start the morning by reheating some leftover coffee in the microwave and take a moment to journal before my sister awakes and joins me on the white linen couch. We chat about how thankful we are to have made the decision to have a quiet Christmas in Colorado and what we are looking forward to in 2025. I say I’m looking for more meaningful purpose and activity while my sister says she wants to bring in deep rest and being in the new year. For breakfast I scramble eggs and veggies with a side of tater tots, and we open a package of stocking stuffers our mom sent. Then I load my camera with film, and we set out on a morning walk in the flatirons. A peaceful Christmas morning to remember.

2/6/25

I do not understand closing an airplane window shade. Being on an airplane feels like something straight out of spy kids for me. It’s the opportunity to quite literally get a birds eye view of our smallness. Looking down at each town or city I get the feeling that I could be any person in any place. My problems feel smaller. I love the opportunity to sit and ponder my life. To dream and think and sip a sprite. It is so easy to forget the magic of life. To close the window shade and get lost in a screen. But the world is always waiting. The mountains, sea, vast landscapes, and tiny towns of people. The magic is right behind the window shade, all we have to do is open it.